It’s the season…

To be silent.

In chaos there is order. A list.

I take writing courses to learn how to structure my story telling,

I studied law to learn how to structure my thoughts,

I make lists to keep me in order,

I have a routine to keep me in line,

I try my best to be the thing I am not.

I cannot stand order.

I cannot stand logical predictable consequences.

Their predictions is my death.

I cannot pretend to be in control.

I cannot pretend to be with it anymore.

It’s time to let go…

It’s time to get lost in the chaos.

It’s time to find my order.

Colours and sounds the beat and the movement the action the reaction, a look and a move….a touch and a kiss …. a twirl and a sparkle.

In chaos there is order.

In my chaos there is my order.

Identity Crisis

I am going through an identity crisis. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am, I dont know what I feel, I dont know what I know, I dont know what is real. I don’t have a fucking clue about anything.

Am I  childish,  am I real, am I honest,  am I dishonest, am I manipulative,  am I being manipulated, am I lonely,  am I simply needy, am I extremely selfish (that actually is the only constant in the mess), am I a good friend, am I  an indifferent friend, am I a student, am I an employee, am I a bitch, am I fair, am I good, am I bad, am I self destructive, am I in control, am  I out of control, am I fighting enough,  am I giving up, am I fighting for the wrong things, am I fighting for the right things, am I letting go of the right things, am I letting go of the wrong things, am I wasting time, am I realising time, am I enjoying life, am I suffering from life, will I live, will I die, do I want kids, do I not want kids, do I want love,  do I want to be in love, am I a loner, am I sociable, am I a weirdo, am I normal, am I wasting my self away,   am I enjoying myself, am I aware, am I in complete unawareness, am I asleep,  am I awake, am I wise, am I a fool, am I right, am I wrong, am I a cynic, am I a romantic, am I responsible, am I irresponsible, do I want to be responsible, do I want to be irresponsible, can I be responsible, can I be irresponsible, am I creating, am I destroying, am I useful, am I useless, am I worth something, am I worthless, am I a good daughter, am I a bad daughter, am I good citizen, am I bad citizen, do I care, do I simply not care, am I  sensitive, am I completely insensitive, am I crazy, am I sane?

Right now I am all of those things.

Right now I am nothing of all those things

I am a nothing and an everything at the same time

My brain cannot conceive this.

It simply cannot bear the weight of this inability to  understand, this inability to come to a finite conclusion, this constant sea of inconsistency which sometimes drowns you sometimes sends you the perfect wave to surf on….

Basically my brain cannot conceive the simplest fact: the fact of life Life.  I am alive. I am.

I just AM.

The brain cannot conceive the concept of “just live”…

Just BE

TO BE OR NOT TO BE….

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH….

Also basically I am procrastinating.

So yeah…there you go….

Procrastination Central

I have an essay to write….

London Calling

Ε…τηλεφώνησε το emotional landslide της προηγουμένης δεκαετίας…

 Μετά από 8 μήνες «ύποπτης» σιωπής. Μετά που 4 χρόνια χωρισμού νομίζω και οι δύο είχαμε αποφασίσει ότι enough is enough και έτσι σαν να  κάναμε σιωπηρή συμφωνία σταματήσαμε τα τηλέφωνα και τις κούφιες άδειες υποσχέσεις.

 Στο δικό μου μυαλό…μάλλον γκομένιαζε τους τελευταίους μήνες… και μάλλον για πολλαπλή φορά κάτι δεν πήγε καλά…και μάλλον επέστρεψε στην ασφάλεια της φαντασιώσης που έχει για μένα.

 I am his ghost person. His imaginary girlfriend. His point of reference. His fallacy.

And so is he for me….

 Πήγε σε συναυλία και με θυμήθηκε μου είπε…Τον φαντάζομαι… και τον νιώθω…(αυτό είναι ακριβώς το πρόβλημα αυτής της σχέσης…απλά πιάνει ο ένας τον άλλο χωρίς πολλά πολλά, χωρίς καν λόγια και με χιλιάδες μίλια απόσταση)… ήπιε μάλλον της μπύρες του κτλ κτλ…άκουσε τη μουσική του….συγκινήθηκε (είναι και καλλιτέχνης…of some sort…) και αυθόρμητα έκανε το γραφικό* τηλεφώνημα του…

 Ακόμα ένα τηλεφώνημα  με το ίδιο  κούφιο ρεπερτόριο που κλείνει πάντα με το ίδιο τραγούδι, οι στίχοι του οποίου πάνε κάπως έτσι:

 «Come to London for a visit»…

«Οκ…Έλα και εσύ στην πηγή (όπως αποκαλεί ο ίδιος την μαρτυρική μεγαλόνησο) δεν έχεις έρθει ποτέ»

 «Οκ…Maybe I should»

…….

 Τι νιώθω?

 Απόσταση

Αγάπη

Κενό.

Ηρεμία

 Μπορεί και να ελευθερώνομαι πραγματικά από τα δεσμά αυτής της σχέσης….. έτσι και αλλιώς  τον τελευταίο καιρό πριν το τηλεφώνημα αυτό νιώθω κάποια φτερουγίσματα πραγματικής ελευθερίας.. Και με αυτό με πιάνει πανικός και  φόβος ότι θα αντιληφθώ ότι τα τελευταία 4 χρόνια τα πέρασα  μέσα στη δική μου self imposed και imaginary φυλακή….

 Ήταν όλα του μυαλού τελικά? ‘Ότι αγάπησα, αγάπησα. That is a fact.  Ότι προτίμησα να μείνω κλεισμένη στην ασφάλεια αυτής της φυλακής και ότι η επιλογή ήταν δική μου και μόνο δική μου…αυτό τώρα το αντιλαμβάνομαι και δεν είμαι σίγουρη αν είμαι έτοιμη να το δεχτώ…

Θα το δεχτώ φυσικά…που θα μου πάει…και καλύτερα 1000 φορές να αντιλαμβάνομαι την αλήθεια όσο αργά και αν έρθει παρά να ζω σε illusion.

 The truth does set you free…even if you dont like what you see….

 *Ρε ταυρί, πριν κανένα δύο μήνες μου είπες  τη λέξη «γραφικός/ή» και εγώ δεν μπορούσα να την καταλάβω. Ναι…ξέρω ξέρω…είμαι slow μερικές φορές. Τώρα έχω να πω ότι το νόημα το πήρα πλήρως χάρη στο τηλεφώνημα αυτό.

To understand is to transform what is

Not “To understand  means it ceases to exist”,

Not “Knowledge is death”,

As I have for some reason been proclaiming lately with such conviction …(usually when drunk or bored but that is when I function at my best)…

But you dont just “die”  when you find out…you simply transform ignorance into knowledge…what dies is your previous ignorance.

Thank God no one takes me seriously, nor pays attention to half the things I come up with…. whether drunk bored or sober. I am PatsysPanties afterall.

I AM THE FOOL

and

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

I also thank God  for:

The Internet

Mr. Krishnamurti

My curiosity.

AND OF COURSE THE LEGEND THAT IS BILL HICKS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ReWW3EfcUc

The Science of Fear

“Article” by Dr. Patsyspantius Lunaticous (expert in bullshitting during office hours and not only)

Fear….

I often catch myself living in a state of fear.

Fear of feeling, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of loneliness,  fear of Commitment, Fear or responsibility, fear of life.

I hate fear (which ultimately leads to various acts of cowardice)…

as much as I hate lazyness.

And sadly more often than not I am both fearful and lazy…and well it hurts to admit but as a consequence ultimately a coward.

The lazyness I still have not come to grips with. I may never tackle that one. I have one veeeeeeeeery lazy grandmother to blame.  The mother and two fathers somehow proved to be workaholics…..

But the fear? All this fear simply lurking and surrounding my every move, determining my next move…

WORST of it all is that this is done underneath my own nose by me to me to my complete and utter ignorance…

How am I going to get rid of that??

When I do realise it (usually post fear crisis) I try to analyze it to annihilation…if I understand it it will simply not exist…This is my theory…but all I manage is to exhaust myself…. I annihilate myself instead of the freaking fear!

Super…makes me feel so in control….soooo capable of changing that.

I think that basically all this fear that I feel simply translates to the ultimate fear of death. 

To be specific there is this constant fear that the “Patsyspantius Lunaticous” species does not have what it takes to a) thrive in it’s surroundings hence  b) have good chances not to die of starvation and ultimately c) of course to mate hence indirectly…SURVIVE

Fear that Patsyspantius Lunaticous is not the fittest to survive…(Fuck you Darwin you and your discoveries ruining my Tuesday).

Surprise surprise…. I am not a ”unique and beautiful snowflake”  my fear is the common fear of the whole HUMAN SPECIES. Some people are ignorant to this fear, others overcome it and others are consumed by it.

I want to be in the group that overcomes fear. Nothing more nothing less.

So what? I ask myself whenever fear grips me…. We had this argument 1000 times…what if I dont thrive nor mate nor survive? How is infinity going to be affected?

Infinity will not shift if I am successful in producing offspring or if I am successful at what I do or if I die.

I can see that. Why does it not make me less fearful? Why so much bloody USELESS fear? I understand that everybody is afraid of death. It’s normal. But the immense crippling fear that prevents you from living, that turns you into a zombie, dead amongst the living, is the worst, longest and most felt  death.

All this is the work of the (in mycase ever so huge) ego…Which just keeps coming up with reasons why I should care:

If I am successful enough professionally to be able to fund an underprivileged kid to go to a private school…

If I always go to weddings alone fearful  of stupid stupid stupid questions like… “so have you found a man?”…and four years later when your answer is still “no… I am more or less as you left me” … you get that look…the look of alarm…the “oh my god I knew there was something wrong with you after all”…and the ego goes bananas with the possibility that there might actually be something wrong with the fucking vehicle that it is forced to live in. Poor ego…doesn’t get to chose the body it will reside in.

But I am aware that If I don’t stop listening to my ego I will simply not live the life I have so kindly been given.

It’s my call. Either stop being afraid and JUST LIVE or accept that you will half live your life…sends chills down my spine as we speak….No no no no no…dude…that is not the party I want to attend.

At the end of the day so what if the likes of me are not meant to stick around for too long….so what if the likes of me shall not leave their mark to humanity…so what if the likes of me do not procreate…so what if the likes of me are…the way they are?

I think that in the grand scheme of things it is only when you realize how unimportant you are that you may be liberated to actually live, to actually sample the only important thing that you will ever posses…life (and love of course…I do believe that life is love even though I think i managed to lose my ability to love (and live) and to be loved somewhere along the line..still…here’s to hoping…).

Someone said you could live to be 100 if you could give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100. I think I don’t want to live to be a 100. It seems that I want to live forever. But what good is even a 100 years of a life not appreciated, a life not lived?

Imagine my frustration when I realize that all good things come to an end….life above all….and I still have huge lapses of ingratitude and dissatisfaction or concerns or this or that or the other. It’s as If I am stuck  in a swamp slowly losing my breath unable to free myself , to get out and  move forward.

I know i will never make fear vanish, nor make things easy, but I want to stop being afraid to live. I want to live despite the fear.

How many times do we have to go through this drill. I am getting fed up with the reminding. I want to tattoo the infinity sign on my arm…to remind my ego how INSIGNIFICANT I am to the whole scheme of things and to comfort myself that infinity means FOREVER in whatever shape and form….  So what the hell am I worrying about extinction?

Only when I realize that will I perhaps be free to REALLY live, love, be loved, thrive, mate and perhaps

SURVIVE

Live and let live you stupid cow.  Or is it love and let live. Or just live. or just love. Or just shut up

p.s. I was inspired by an article on the Koala bear, who is ”assuredly a creature of leisure” (so am I) “It has the smallest brain proportionally of any mammal” (I hope that is not my case…though sometimes i wonder) ”sleeps most of the day” ( i can do that too..EASILY)  ”and dedicates much of the rest to chewing gum leaves” (could do that too easily)…. and is thus threatened by exctintion (which raised my alarm bells).

Yeah…we are also very reasonable…Koalas and I. We tend to get the right meanings from the stuff we read and dont get overhyped and blogg about it for 30 minutes as if our life (huh…funny) depended on it.

So basically today I identified with a koala….

Lord please help me…

I need to change jobs or brains. Whichever is easier.

Just a thought

• Negative thoughts are just like germs of the brain
• Positive thoughts are just like little orgasms of the brain.

Hmm…I like that thought!

Oh!

Me myself and (the) Law

Το επάγγελμα μου είναι τέλειο… Τ- Ε- Λ- Ε- Ι- Ο 

Γιατί?

 Διότι…για έναν άνθρωπο σαν και εμένα όπου υπομονή ΔΕΝ είναι το δυνατό μου στοιχείο….ερμ….δεν είναι στοιχείο μου καν actually…. (and we all know that patience IS a virtue),

 Το γεγονός ότι πρέπει να κάθομαι έναν τόπο και να παρατηρώ την ΚΑΘΕ λεπτομέρεια και λεξούλα  (η οποία λεξούλα μπορεί να φτάσει και στο extreme extreme fascinating level of… «Χρηματοοικονομικό Μέσο»….ναι ότι κατάλαβες  εσύ κατάλαβα και εγώ)  και αν μπαίνει τούτη δαμαί τζιαι αν μέν μπαίνει….

 το γεγονός ότι πρέπει να ΚΑΘΟΜΑΙ έναν τόπο για πολύ ώρα συγκεντρωμένη και να ψάχνω ερμηνείες και αποφάσεις και τροποποιήσεις και σου πα μου πες…

 ΣΠΑΖΕΙ ΜΟΥ ΤΑ ΝΕΥΡΑ ΜΟΥ….

Αλλά τουλάχιστον όταν πεθάνω και πάω στον Άγιο Πέτρο μπορεί (είπα ΜΠΟΡΕΙ) να μπορέσω να του πω… «Άγιε μου…καλέ μου Άγιε….αμαρτίες ουκ ολίγες στη ζωή μου…αλλά  έχω μιααααααααααααααααααν υπομονή…..μιαν  υπομονηηηηηηηηηηηηή….. ΜΟΥΡΛΙΑ»

Και έτσι να τα καταφέρω και εγώ η φτωχή να μπω στον παράδεισο…

 Naaaah STILL not convinced.

 Άτε….Πάω πίσω για word picking….and ass- chair- flattening… εν να πάθω καμιά θρόμβωση που την ακινησία….

 Που εν να μου πάεις τζιαι συ…εν να σε δαμάσω ρε σκατό επάγγελμα…Διότι υπομονή μπορεί να μέν έχω αλλά εχω ΠΕΙΣΜΑ.

 ΕΦΑΣ ΜΟΥ ΤΗ ΖΩΗ ΜΟΥ ΚΟΛΟΠΑΙΔΟ

 Τουλάχιστον είμαστε on speaking terms…για χρόνια έκαμνα ότι εν το έξερα. Καν!

A-OK

• Κούκου! Καλημέρα!

• Α-ΟΚ

 • Τι Α-ΟΚ? Τι είναι πάλι αυτό? Τι παιδί είσαι εσύ?

• Αυτό το παιδί είναι πολύ πούστη…

Τι απαντάς σε αυτό μου λές?….

Πρωινό καλημέρα με BioDad.

Refreshing.

A-OK